[Raleigh is a compulsive snuggler in his sleep. You wouldn't think it, looking at him and knowing that he generally dislikes 96% of the people on the planet just because they other people but put him on the same bed as someone else and guaranteed he'll wake up curled around them in some form or another. That really goes for anyone, it's not a romantic thing always, when Yancy was alive, Raleigh would spend a couple nights in the same bed with him after Drifts, and he'd aggressively snuggle his brother too and zero shame was felt about it.
So really, it's not that surprising him to him, when they're cleared from medical after Pitfall and allowed to return to their lives but neither of them really want to be alone, so he takes her by the hand and pulls her into his room after him. Doesn't ask but knows that he doesn't have to, because she's hurting and grieving and tired too and he just-- doesn't think he can be alone right now and she's the only person in the world (literally) that gets it.
But anyway, in the morning, Raleigh wakes up and the first thing he notices is the smell of standard issue shampoo, and the feel of her hair sticking to his face and after a moment of thinking about it, he realizes that he's got his arm firmly around her waist and her back flush against his chest and maybe it should be weird, awkward, he's just met her three days ago and he's seven years older than her and yet the only thing he's thinking that he's got his entire world in his arms for the first time in years.]
[This marks Mako's firsthand experience with snuggling, and if not for the recent loss of the man who marked her life's path during the last fifteen years, she would've liked it. It's hard to say she doesn't, because it's also a lie, but there is a part of her that - upon waking abruptly to being pulled into warm warm warm arms - flinches.
Stacker was not always big on physical affection, but to Mako he'd always been bigger than life. And now - he wasn't. Gone down fighting, like she knew he'd wanted to, but still gone. The clock was stopped, but he would never know that; he could never smile proudly at her with the knowledge that the little girl in Tokyo that he rescued ended up saving the rest of the world.
When she follows Raleigh into his room like a lost puppy, she doesn't think anything will happen. No - lie. She thinks something might happen, but not what they end up doing. She mutters into his pillow that she doesn't think she can ever sleep again, and five seconds later she is out. Her dreamless rest is cut short by the motion behind her, and suddenly she is suffocating.
This is what - what is it? - feels like. It makes a choked up sound rise from her throat, her eyes squeezed shut as goosebumps rise along her skin. It's - well - very nice, actually.]
Don't let go. [Someone says that; someone, she realises, with her voice.]
[The most Raleigh does is move his face so he's not getting a mouthful of hair, rests his chin against her shoulder more and he adjusts his arm around her middle a little. He doesn't really want to let go of her anyway, so thank God she says that because how awkward would it be. To have grabbed her in his sleep and wake up to her edging away from him.
He'd understand, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be disappointed.]
[It takes a while, of slightly quicker breathing, until she gets used to the strangeness of being held. Then, it takes a while until she relaxes, and then - until she finds a good answer for him.]
[Is that a good or a bad thing, Raleigh honestly doesn't know. It's a clean slate, which can be a good thing but it also doesn't acknowledge what used to be written there and that doesn't make it stop hurting.
He presses a not kiss to her shoulder, softly, just enough to remind her that he's there.]
[It's a thing. It's an clean and empty slate, and Mako isn't sure if it's good or bad. She's alone now, there is no more Mori and no more Pentecost left in the world but her. And she's supposed to be thinking in terms of honouring his memory and his choices and his death, but all she can think of was that -
He was so selfish. Dying in the Jaeger and only giving her one radio-transmitted goodbye. That all her life she'll remember now that their last moment was not a fleeting second of happiness in a hospital room, or in his room, but surrounded by grief and panic and focus Mako we have to save the world now.
It pulls a wretched sob from her, finally, because she admits it to herself - she's mad at the only person who was there for her since Tokyo.]
[She makes a terrible noise, sad and wretched and he instinctively holds her tighter, closing that last little centimeter of space between them. He knows that she's hurting, can sense it coming off her in waves. She lost her mentor, the man who raised her, the fixed point of her life and he gets that. He so understands what that feels like.
She's not alone now though. She's got him, in whatever way she wants him, he's just not going anywhere. Mako lost her mentor but she gained a Raleigh Becket at the same time and he knows that he doesn't compare and it's not the same but it's something.]
[It would be vile and evil to measure up someone's suffering by comparing it to her own, it would be insensitive for her to find some relief in the fact that he knows what she's going through. If it were up to her, when she's been in his head and taken walks in his memories and knows now on her own skin, he wouldn't have suffered at all. And neither would she have.
And they would've never met, never been Drift compatible, never become - this. It doesn't take a scientific genius to realise that Mako needs him in her life now like she needs oxygen. It's not healthy, it's out of the norm, it's illogical, and yet she's accepted it.
She should cry, crying is a part of grief. A step of it. But instead, she turns her head into the pillow and muffles the question there,] Can I turn around?
[That's the catch 22 of all this isn't it. If Yancy hadn't died that night, he never would've met and jockeyed with Mako. Wouldn't have had any reason to look for another co-pilot and he never would've come to know this fierce, wonderful girl.
Raleigh's never going to wish for one or the other, because he's not sure he can actually make the choice of which one he'd rather keep and either way that sounds like he doesn't care about his brother or that Mako means less to him.
He nods into her shoulder, and loosens his hold so she has the room to roll over.]
[She nods as if to confirm it again, and turns around so slowly that it feels like she's moving through cement. It's all uphill until she's halfway there, and from there on it's as easy as letting herself fall against him. It isn't easy, admitting defeat never has been easy for Mako; it's not a relief either, since she hasn't depended of a person like this is such a long time.
But she hides against him, because there's not another word for it. Her head fits under his chin, one leg fits between his, until she's curled and tangled in him, like a baby with a safety blanket.]
[It's not defeat, she's grieving and upset and she's allowed to be. Raleigh settles against her, fitting himself around her like a puzzle. His arm still looped over her waist, his head using his arm as a pillow, his ankle hooked around hers.]
It's fine. [He touches his lips to her hair, this time it's a soft kiss, a little reassurance. There's not a single part of him that judges her for needing someone right now.]
[That's the anchor - no, he's the anchor, pulling her back down to the ground, sending her up through the bridge between worlds before it all collapses around them; he's her anchor. But.]
[Well shit, Mako, it's not like he really knows either. He's older, more experienced, yes, sure but nothing's ever told him what to do with a brand new co-pilot that he cares more for than anyone should after knowing her for just three days.
He knows what he wants-- and that's to never let her go. But he's not sure how that's really going to look when it's all said and done. Will they be friends? Like family? Lovers?]
[Jumping into any sort of relationship has been out of discussion with Mako for as long as she technically had interest in them; in Raleigh's words, the timing was always off. She doesn't think, from the first moment, about being lovers. But if it transitions to it...
Right now, she needs a friend. Later, she'll need family. Most of all, someone who'll hold her back.]
[Now they have literally nothing but time. Time to figure it out, explore each other, figure out what they want and what works. There's no more war, no more wall to build, no more monsters. There's just Mako and Raleigh trying to find what works for them.]
Okay, so that's a good place to start. We don't have to have an answer today.
[Honestly, she wouldn't be surprised if they ended up building the wall just to be safe, but it's not their war to fight anymore, not their wall to build. For a while, they can take a break, breathe, mourn, live. Supposedly.
It's not so easy to get used to the concept, that's all.] That will need some getting used to.
No - I agree. [Breathe will have to be an exercise in constancy, they might remind each other to do it, over and over. Right now, Mako breathes him in, and doesn't think it strange that his presence is a comfort.]
[Raleigh really never imagined what the future would look like, because he's got no idea what he's supposed to do now. He just knows that being near Mako is soothing, that he doesn't have to think about it, he can just breathe her in and she's not pushing him away either-- that's a plus.]
[Another one of those lose little sounds, and she is going to just use his shirt as a muffler from now on. Because Mako Mori is not 10 years old and crying anymore, even though that's twice she's lost her parents.]
[She can use his shirt as a tissue too, if she wants. His arms tighten around for a moment, a reflex to the noise that she made. She can try to hide it all she wants in his shirt, he's still going to hear it because he is always going to hear her.]
Still. That doesn't make it hurt less for you.
[Don't try and tell him you're not grieving, Mako. Don't tell that lie to Raleigh, he knows what it's like to lose someone that means the whole world to you, who raised you and taught you everything you know.]
[There's one more pathetic little whimper left in her before she admits it to herself; yes, she's grieving already, and no, she won't be able to be strong about this forever. How is it possible for a person she's barely met to bring her this much comfort, she doesn't know. What she knows is that she can't even begin to think of letting him go.]
I keep thinking - if he knew he was going to die in there... what if he deliberately put his copilot in that situation, too?
[She might not have all the love in the world for Chuck Hansen, but the idea that the Marshal took them both out in a last attempt for glory.]
Honestly, Mako. [Raleigh hesitates because this is a touchy subject and he's not the best with his words. She raises a fair point but he can't help but remember the Marshal's words in Sitka. Where would you rather die, Mister Becket? Here? Or in a Jaeger?
In a Jaeger. Always. Hands down. But Raleigh knew exactly what was expected of him when he got on that helicopter.]
I'm not sure he really planned on any of us coming back from it.
[It's not her death, or the thought of it, that scares her in an unexpected way; it's his. She's been in his head long enough to have seen how little he'd wanted to be alive for five whole years, to know that he sure wants it now. And she would like him to. So the thought that he could've died too, after giving her his oxygen... it has her fingers digging into his shirt, tugging the fabric down.]
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BOOM
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So really, it's not that surprising him to him, when they're cleared from medical after Pitfall and allowed to return to their lives but neither of them really want to be alone, so he takes her by the hand and pulls her into his room after him. Doesn't ask but knows that he doesn't have to, because she's hurting and grieving and tired too and he just-- doesn't think he can be alone right now and she's the only person in the world (literally) that gets it.
But anyway, in the morning, Raleigh wakes up and the first thing he notices is the smell of standard issue shampoo, and the feel of her hair sticking to his face and after a moment of thinking about it, he realizes that he's got his arm firmly around her waist and her back flush against his chest and maybe it should be weird, awkward, he's just met her three days ago and he's seven years older than her and yet the only thing he's thinking that he's got his entire world in his arms for the first time in years.]
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Stacker was not always big on physical affection, but to Mako he'd always been bigger than life. And now - he wasn't. Gone down fighting, like she knew he'd wanted to, but still gone. The clock was stopped, but he would never know that; he could never smile proudly at her with the knowledge that the little girl in Tokyo that he rescued ended up saving the rest of the world.
When she follows Raleigh into his room like a lost puppy, she doesn't think anything will happen. No - lie. She thinks something might happen, but not what they end up doing. She mutters into his pillow that she doesn't think she can ever sleep again, and five seconds later she is out. Her dreamless rest is cut short by the motion behind her, and suddenly she is suffocating.
This is what - what is it? - feels like. It makes a choked up sound rise from her throat, her eyes squeezed shut as goosebumps rise along her skin. It's - well - very nice, actually.]
Don't let go. [Someone says that; someone, she realises, with her voice.]
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He'd understand, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be disappointed.]
How are you doing?
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Like a blank sheet of paper.
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He presses a not kiss to her shoulder, softly, just enough to remind her that he's there.]
What can I do for you?
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He was so selfish. Dying in the Jaeger and only giving her one radio-transmitted goodbye. That all her life she'll remember now that their last moment was not a fleeting second of happiness in a hospital room, or in his room, but surrounded by grief and panic and focus Mako we have to save the world now.
It pulls a wretched sob from her, finally, because she admits it to herself - she's mad at the only person who was there for her since Tokyo.]
Just - this.
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She's not alone now though. She's got him, in whatever way she wants him, he's just not going anywhere. Mako lost her mentor but she gained a Raleigh Becket at the same time and he knows that he doesn't compare and it's not the same but it's something.]
It's okay to cry, you know. I won't say anything.
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And they would've never met, never been Drift compatible, never become - this. It doesn't take a scientific genius to realise that Mako needs him in her life now like she needs oxygen. It's not healthy, it's out of the norm, it's illogical, and yet she's accepted it.
She should cry, crying is a part of grief. A step of it. But instead, she turns her head into the pillow and muffles the question there,] Can I turn around?
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Raleigh's never going to wish for one or the other, because he's not sure he can actually make the choice of which one he'd rather keep and either way that sounds like he doesn't care about his brother or that Mako means less to him.
He nods into her shoulder, and loosens his hold so she has the room to roll over.]
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But she hides against him, because there's not another word for it. Her head fits under his chin, one leg fits between his, until she's curled and tangled in him, like a baby with a safety blanket.]
Is this okay?
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It's fine. [He touches his lips to her hair, this time it's a soft kiss, a little reassurance. There's not a single part of him that judges her for needing someone right now.]
Whatever you need, Mako, I'm here for you.
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I don't know what comes next... with us.
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He knows what he wants-- and that's to never let her go. But he's not sure how that's really going to look when it's all said and done. Will they be friends? Like family? Lovers?]
I don't-- I don't want to lose you.
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Right now, she needs a friend. Later, she'll need family. Most of all, someone who'll hold her back.]
Me neither.
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Okay, so that's a good place to start. We don't have to have an answer today.
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It's not so easy to get used to the concept, that's all.] That will need some getting used to.
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I don't really believe it's over. Is that weird?
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It'll take time.
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[Raleigh really never imagined what the future would look like, because he's got no idea what he's supposed to do now. He just knows that being near Mako is soothing, that he doesn't have to think about it, he can just breathe her in and she's not pushing him away either-- that's a plus.]
I'm sorry about the Marshal.
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It was - what he wanted. To go in a Jaeger.
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Still. That doesn't make it hurt less for you.
[Don't try and tell him you're not grieving, Mako. Don't tell that lie to Raleigh, he knows what it's like to lose someone that means the whole world to you, who raised you and taught you everything you know.]
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I keep thinking - if he knew he was going to die in there... what if he deliberately put his copilot in that situation, too?
[She might not have all the love in the world for Chuck Hansen, but the idea that the Marshal took them both out in a last attempt for glory.]
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In a Jaeger. Always. Hands down. But Raleigh knew exactly what was expected of him when he got on that helicopter.]
I'm not sure he really planned on any of us coming back from it.
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I'm not sure you did, either.
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im sorry about this
LIAR
I REALLY AM THOUGH
wails
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wow i hate you for that one line
i hate you for this reply ;;
i knew you would 8)
swallows sadness
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