[Another one of those lose little sounds, and she is going to just use his shirt as a muffler from now on. Because Mako Mori is not 10 years old and crying anymore, even though that's twice she's lost her parents.]
[She can use his shirt as a tissue too, if she wants. His arms tighten around for a moment, a reflex to the noise that she made. She can try to hide it all she wants in his shirt, he's still going to hear it because he is always going to hear her.]
Still. That doesn't make it hurt less for you.
[Don't try and tell him you're not grieving, Mako. Don't tell that lie to Raleigh, he knows what it's like to lose someone that means the whole world to you, who raised you and taught you everything you know.]
[There's one more pathetic little whimper left in her before she admits it to herself; yes, she's grieving already, and no, she won't be able to be strong about this forever. How is it possible for a person she's barely met to bring her this much comfort, she doesn't know. What she knows is that she can't even begin to think of letting him go.]
I keep thinking - if he knew he was going to die in there... what if he deliberately put his copilot in that situation, too?
[She might not have all the love in the world for Chuck Hansen, but the idea that the Marshal took them both out in a last attempt for glory.]
Honestly, Mako. [Raleigh hesitates because this is a touchy subject and he's not the best with his words. She raises a fair point but he can't help but remember the Marshal's words in Sitka. Where would you rather die, Mister Becket? Here? Or in a Jaeger?
In a Jaeger. Always. Hands down. But Raleigh knew exactly what was expected of him when he got on that helicopter.]
I'm not sure he really planned on any of us coming back from it.
[It's not her death, or the thought of it, that scares her in an unexpected way; it's his. She's been in his head long enough to have seen how little he'd wanted to be alive for five whole years, to know that he sure wants it now. And she would like him to. So the thought that he could've died too, after giving her his oxygen... it has her fingers digging into his shirt, tugging the fabric down.]
[She's got him there. Raleigh would have been fine giving his life to save hers, to end it with the kaiju once and for all. He had no idea if he was going to make it, once he gave her his oxygen and sent her back. Not a single fucking clue but it was what he had to do. He had to finish it, finish the mission, and she gets that, doesn't she?]
You didn't. [She's going to stay there, with her face buried in the collar of his shirt, so he can't see the pain flickering across her eyes, where he won't be able to tell that it had hurt. Waking up in the middle of the ocean without him, with his voice in her head.
He'd almost made a Raleigh out of her.] Co-pilots go down together.
[That's just it. They don't always go down together, look at what happened to him and his brother. Look how Yancy was half a second away from telling him to get out, save himself and he's still not okay with that even at the same time he understands it completely.
Better that one of them survives than neither of them, right? Right? Not right, not right ever, Yancy Becket, you raging asshole.
Raleigh sighs against the top of her head, quiet, thinking, remorseful and stubborn at the same time.]
You weren't going to die if I had anything to do with it, Mako. [Because as terrible as making a Raleigh out of her would have been-- losing two co-pilots would have been too much for him. It would have wrecked him completely, and he's selfish and he wasn't going to go through that again.]
[See the unfair thing about Drifting is that she knows everything there is to know about him now and though he knows everything about her as well, she doesn't think Raleigh would pull the trick she does. But she's mad, she grows mad the more she thought of the wretching pain she'd felt those few seconds thinking he was gone, and while his heroicism might be considered romantic for anyone else, well -
It's meant to sting.] You were still in my head. [And she doesn't need to say anything else. She doesn't need to tell him how that would've ended for her, how she could've turned into him all over, how that pain he'd been through for years would've been hers.
[If she'd actually punched him, that might've hurt less. Raleigh exhales sharply, he doesn't have to try very hard to remember that morning on the beach in Alaska, stumbling around half alive and unable to feel his entire left side, yancy yancy yancy where are you yancy no yancy yancy yancy.
He didn't want to do that to her, not ever. He'd never wish something like that on anyone, no matter how much he hated them and he is pretty far from hating Mako at all.
She could've tuned into him, yeah sure but if he hadn't given her his oxygen, hadn't saved her, then she would've died. And that's not better. It's worse, it's so much worse and she has to at least get that.]
I won't say it. I'm not sorry. And it didn't happen, so it's fine.
[She remembers it from catching it in his memories "I've already had someone in my head, Marshal", and she'd thought then - Raleigh expected his second co-pilot to go down the same road as the first. And yes, that would've explained his desperation to keep her alive and get her up safe, because the flickerings of other (more) complicated emotions couldn't be true.
She regrets saying it the moment he flinches with that exhale, and curls her fingers into his shirt, pressing her forehead to his collarbone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I twisted that knife.]
[Almost but didn't and Raleigh's learned over the years that there's no point in lingering over what could have happened or could have been because they can build giant robots but no one's come out with a time machine yet.
Raleigh still has his arm around her and he uses it now to squeeze her tight like, see Mako, see he's not dead, he's still here. It's alright, he's here, he's not going anywhere either, so she better get used to that.]
You're just gonna have to keep me from risking myself again in the future.
[Yes, he's here and he's real and solid and smells like the ocean but only because it's barely been hours. He could've been buried in the bridge with the rest of the kaiju and Gipsy's remains, but he's survived it and so has she.
And after tonight, they can wake up and look at tomorrow. And afterwards, at tomorrow. Eventually, living day by day will become looking forward to the future again.]
[He can't help but laugh a little at that, turning to press a kiss into her hair after a moment. Just because he wants to, because he cares so much about this girl in his arms even if he's just met her and he has no idea what they're going to end up as, he just knows that she's a part of him now, as much as Yancy ever was.]
[He's gone from Miss Mori to Mako to we can do this Mako to I can see a future now Mako to kissing her hair in the span of a few days, and Mako still hasn't called him anything other than Mister Becket. (Ranger Becket, maybe.) It's not that he's moving fast that scares her; it's the fact that she wants to catch up.
And this much emotional feedback off one another can't be good, but who's she going to ask about it now? The only other pilot left alive? He has his own things to deal with, after all.
She can't stop the rush of warmth that settles over her, or the jump of her heart, or the way that stupid gesture made her not be mad at him just there. It's a foreshadowing for the future they've got ahead of them, but she doesn't take notice.]
[Yeah that's the thing about Raleigh, he acts tough and mean and cold but put him around the right person and he's basically a puppy. And really, they've been inside each other's heads, they've seen everything, kissing her hair is nothing compared to that.]
[But it is. There's a certain degree of separation between what is seen in the Drift and what happens outside it. Not all pilots integrate knowledge shared through the neural link outside of a Jaeger, not all pilots end up here. She's seen the Wei triplets playing basketball as a way of coping with the aftermath, the Kaidonovskys locking themselves up in their room and blasting off loud house music, the Hansens ignore each other harder, but this part -
- this would be what the BecketandMori do. Cling. Like they've never felt a human being near them before.]
[It just-- doesn't sit right with him when she calls him that. Mister Becket. Mister Becket is a stranger, it's his father, his uncle, hell it could even be Yancy but it's not him. Not to her, he doesn't like her thinking of him that formally.
The Beckets used to cling to each other, after the Drift. They would wrestle and high five and hang arms around each other's necks and sometimes Raleigh would push his way into Yancy's bed and use his shoulder as a pillow. They were almost constantly touching, kind of like-- how he and Mako are now, like Raleigh needs that physical contact to assure himself that she's real, this is real, it's happened.
He's been starved for attention, affection, connection for five years, can you really blame him for latching on to her as hard?]
[He remembers physical affection more accurately than Mako does, and that's the reality behind which she clings to him the way that she does. Her heartbeat skips at the question, and she feels as flustered as-
the day she almost went into his room thinking it was her own because the pull towards it had felt right, logical, normal.
the day she made a comment about him to sensei only to have him answer he in irreproachable Japanese with a sort of easy smile. (She knows how long it had been for him until that smile.)
the day she'd pinned him to the mat and he'd looked up at her with awe and admiration, sweat colouring his shoulders and his neck, and sending heat into the pit of her belly.]
[Is she serious? Raleigh shifts, doesn't really let go of her but moves so he can try to catch her eye better.]
More personal than this?
[Wrapped up in each other, sharing the same bed all night, literally sharing the same headspace, how is calling him by his name any more personal than that.]
[She flusters, because she doesn't expect him to understand her completely on this. He went from Miss Mori to Mako in the space of a single day and one almost Drift on the mat in the kwoon. But to Mako it's personal, it's opening up to being hurt. It's calling your adoptive father sensei even though you ache to call him 'dad' at least once in your life, it's not doing it because you're afraid it'll make him disappear.
Raleigh won't disappear. She's gripping his shirt hard, fingers sunken into the fabric and pulling at it. He's real. He's not a danger to her - he's an anchor. Right?
Besides, how is it not personal already that she begged him to come back, terrified that he had gone and died on her.
The fact that it makes every conversation between them sound intimate is moot. They're tangled up together, it's already intimate. Made moreso, when Mako finally whispers his name, a tender and soft,] Raleigh.
[She's going to rip a hole in his shirt, the way she's going. But Raleigh's okay with that, doesn't try to pry her fingers from the fabric. He lets her do whatever she wants, because he's there for her, he's not going anywhere. There's nothing she can do to make him leave.]
[If she does, if it comes down to that, she'll be very apologetic and try to fix it whichever way she can. Replace it for him. But until it does, her fingers stay put where they are.
Her expression does soften, though, like he'd smoothed the wrinkles of her frown away.]
[It's just a shirt really, it's not like he's super attached to it and it's not like he won't be able to find another one. If he minded anyway, he would say something about it by now.]
Yeah. It'd really suck to start fighting with you now.
Again? [Because they've had tension between them before, haven't they? It's not obedience, Mr. Becket, it's respect. And that spar in the kwoon that had been Mako at her worst: goading and teasing and testing him before knocking him flat on his back. It wouldn't be the first time they've fought, but it's undeniable that they work better together when they don't.
Only - what have they got left to work together on now? With no Jaegers to jockey, what can they possibly do together?
Strange, that the idea of not being on a team with Raleigh makes her feel uncomfortable. I've just found him. She forces the frown away from her face; one day at a time from now on, without the panic from before. They'll figure it out, like he said.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It was - what he wanted. To go in a Jaeger.
no subject
Still. That doesn't make it hurt less for you.
[Don't try and tell him you're not grieving, Mako. Don't tell that lie to Raleigh, he knows what it's like to lose someone that means the whole world to you, who raised you and taught you everything you know.]
no subject
I keep thinking - if he knew he was going to die in there... what if he deliberately put his copilot in that situation, too?
[She might not have all the love in the world for Chuck Hansen, but the idea that the Marshal took them both out in a last attempt for glory.]
no subject
In a Jaeger. Always. Hands down. But Raleigh knew exactly what was expected of him when he got on that helicopter.]
I'm not sure he really planned on any of us coming back from it.
no subject
I'm not sure you did, either.
no subject
I'm sorry. But I had to do it.
no subject
He'd almost made a Raleigh out of her.] Co-pilots go down together.
no subject
Better that one of them survives than neither of them, right? Right? Not right, not right ever, Yancy Becket, you raging asshole.
Raleigh sighs against the top of her head, quiet, thinking, remorseful and stubborn at the same time.]
You weren't going to die if I had anything to do with it, Mako. [Because as terrible as making a Raleigh out of her would have been-- losing two co-pilots would have been too much for him. It would have wrecked him completely, and he's selfish and he wasn't going to go through that again.]
I'm not sorry about that. I won't ever be.
im sorry about this
It's meant to sting.] You were still in my head. [And she doesn't need to say anything else. She doesn't need to tell him how that would've ended for her, how she could've turned into him all over, how that pain he'd been through for years would've been hers.
Those six words say it all.]
LIAR
He didn't want to do that to her, not ever. He'd never wish something like that on anyone, no matter how much he hated them and he is pretty far from hating Mako at all.
She could've tuned into him, yeah sure but if he hadn't given her his oxygen, hadn't saved her, then she would've died. And that's not better. It's worse, it's so much worse and she has to at least get that.]
I won't say it. I'm not sorry. And it didn't happen, so it's fine.
I REALLY AM THOUGH
She regrets saying it the moment he flinches with that exhale, and curls her fingers into his shirt, pressing her forehead to his collarbone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I twisted that knife.]
At a risk. I almost lost y- you almost died.
wails
Raleigh still has his arm around her and he uses it now to squeeze her tight like, see Mako, see he's not dead, he's still here. It's alright, he's here, he's not going anywhere either, so she better get used to that.]
You're just gonna have to keep me from risking myself again in the future.
no subject
And after tonight, they can wake up and look at tomorrow. And afterwards, at tomorrow. Eventually, living day by day will become looking forward to the future again.]
I knew you'd be a hassle.
no subject
I think you're up to the challenge.
no subject
And this much emotional feedback off one another can't be good, but who's she going to ask about it now? The only other pilot left alive? He has his own things to deal with, after all.
She can't stop the rush of warmth that settles over her, or the jump of her heart, or the way that stupid gesture made her not be mad at him just there. It's a foreshadowing for the future they've got ahead of them, but she doesn't take notice.]
Yes.
no subject
Are you still mad at me?
[Be honest, Mako, because he can tell.]
no subject
- this would be what the BecketandMori do. Cling. Like they've never felt a human being near them before.]
I'm mad at a lot of things, Mr. Becket.
no subject
The Beckets used to cling to each other, after the Drift. They would wrestle and high five and hang arms around each other's necks and sometimes Raleigh would push his way into Yancy's bed and use his shoulder as a pillow. They were almost constantly touching, kind of like-- how he and Mako are now, like Raleigh needs that physical contact to assure himself that she's real, this is real, it's happened.
He's been starved for attention, affection, connection for five years, can you really blame him for latching on to her as hard?]
Why don't you call me Raleigh?
no subject
the day she almost went into his room thinking it was her own because the pull towards it had felt right, logical, normal.
the day she made a comment about him to sensei only to have him answer he in irreproachable Japanese with a sort of easy smile. (She knows how long it had been for him until that smile.)
the day she'd pinned him to the mat and he'd looked up at her with awe and admiration, sweat colouring his shoulders and his neck, and sending heat into the pit of her belly.]
It's - very personal.
no subject
More personal than this?
[Wrapped up in each other, sharing the same bed all night, literally sharing the same headspace, how is calling him by his name any more personal than that.]
no subject
Raleigh won't disappear. She's gripping his shirt hard, fingers sunken into the fabric and pulling at it. He's real. He's not a danger to her - he's an anchor. Right?
Besides, how is it not personal already that she begged him to come back, terrified that he had gone and died on her.
The fact that it makes every conversation between them sound intimate is moot. They're tangled up together, it's already intimate. Made moreso, when Mako finally whispers his name, a tender and soft,] Raleigh.
no subject
Not so mad at me anymore then, yeah?
no subject
Her expression does soften, though, like he'd smoothed the wrinkles of her frown away.]
It wouldn't accomplish anything.
no subject
Yeah. It'd really suck to start fighting with you now.
no subject
Only - what have they got left to work together on now? With no Jaegers to jockey, what can they possibly do together?
Strange, that the idea of not being on a team with Raleigh makes her feel uncomfortable. I've just found him. She forces the frown away from her face; one day at a time from now on, without the panic from before. They'll figure it out, like he said.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
wow i hate you for that one line
i hate you for this reply ;;
i knew you would 8)
swallows sadness
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)