raleighs | open rp post ;

[It's a thing. It's an clean and empty slate, and Mako isn't sure if it's good or bad. She's alone now, there is no more Mori and no more Pentecost left in the world but her. And she's supposed to be thinking in terms of honouring his memory and his choices and his death, but all she can think of was that -

He was so selfish. Dying in the Jaeger and only giving her one radio-transmitted goodbye. That all her life she'll remember now that their last moment was not a fleeting second of happiness in a hospital room, or in his room, but surrounded by grief and panic and focus Mako we have to save the world now.

It pulls a wretched sob from her, finally, because she admits it to herself - she's mad at the only person who was there for her since Tokyo.]

Just - this.

[She makes a terrible noise, sad and wretched and he instinctively holds her tighter, closing that last little centimeter of space between them. He knows that she's hurting, can sense it coming off her in waves. She lost her mentor, the man who raised her, the fixed point of her life and he gets that. He so understands what that feels like.

She's not alone now though. She's got him, in whatever way she wants him, he's just not going anywhere. Mako lost her mentor but she gained a Raleigh Becket at the same time and he knows that he doesn't compare and it's not the same but it's something.]

It's okay to cry, you know. I won't say anything.

[It would be vile and evil to measure up someone's suffering by comparing it to her own, it would be insensitive for her to find some relief in the fact that he knows what she's going through. If it were up to her, when she's been in his head and taken walks in his memories and knows now on her own skin, he wouldn't have suffered at all. And neither would she have.

And they would've never met, never been Drift compatible, never become - this. It doesn't take a scientific genius to realise that Mako needs him in her life now like she needs oxygen. It's not healthy, it's out of the norm, it's illogical, and yet she's accepted it.

She should cry, crying is a part of grief. A step of it. But instead, she turns her head into the pillow and muffles the question there,] Can I turn around?

[That's the catch 22 of all this isn't it. If Yancy hadn't died that night, he never would've met and jockeyed with Mako. Wouldn't have had any reason to look for another co-pilot and he never would've come to know this fierce, wonderful girl.

Raleigh's never going to wish for one or the other, because he's not sure he can actually make the choice of which one he'd rather keep and either way that sounds like he doesn't care about his brother or that Mako means less to him.

He nods into her shoulder, and loosens his hold so she has the room to roll over.]

[She nods as if to confirm it again, and turns around so slowly that it feels like she's moving through cement. It's all uphill until she's halfway there, and from there on it's as easy as letting herself fall against him. It isn't easy, admitting defeat never has been easy for Mako; it's not a relief either, since she hasn't depended of a person like this is such a long time.

But she hides against him, because there's not another word for it. Her head fits under his chin, one leg fits between his, until she's curled and tangled in him, like a baby with a safety blanket.]

Is this okay?

[It's not defeat, she's grieving and upset and she's allowed to be. Raleigh settles against her, fitting himself around her like a puzzle. His arm still looped over her waist, his head using his arm as a pillow, his ankle hooked around hers.]

It's fine. [He touches his lips to her hair, this time it's a soft kiss, a little reassurance. There's not a single part of him that judges her for needing someone right now.]

Whatever you need, Mako, I'm here for you.

[That's the anchor - no, he's the anchor, pulling her back down to the ground, sending her up through the bridge between worlds before it all collapses around them; he's her anchor. But.]

I don't know what comes next... with us.

[Well shit, Mako, it's not like he really knows either. He's older, more experienced, yes, sure but nothing's ever told him what to do with a brand new co-pilot that he cares more for than anyone should after knowing her for just three days.

He knows what he wants-- and that's to never let her go. But he's not sure how that's really going to look when it's all said and done. Will they be friends? Like family? Lovers?]

I don't-- I don't want to lose you.

[Jumping into any sort of relationship has been out of discussion with Mako for as long as she technically had interest in them; in Raleigh's words, the timing was always off. She doesn't think, from the first moment, about being lovers. But if it transitions to it...

Right now, she needs a friend. Later, she'll need family. Most of all, someone who'll hold her back.]

Me neither.

[Now they have literally nothing but time. Time to figure it out, explore each other, figure out what they want and what works. There's no more war, no more wall to build, no more monsters. There's just Mako and Raleigh trying to find what works for them.]

Okay, so that's a good place to start. We don't have to have an answer today.

[Honestly, she wouldn't be surprised if they ended up building the wall just to be safe, but it's not their war to fight anymore, not their wall to build. For a while, they can take a break, breathe, mourn, live. Supposedly.

It's not so easy to get used to the concept, that's all.] That will need some getting used to.

[Breathe, mourn, live, maybe not necessarily in that order.]

I don't really believe it's over. Is that weird?

No - I agree. [Breathe will have to be an exercise in constancy, they might remind each other to do it, over and over. Right now, Mako breathes him in, and doesn't think it strange that his presence is a comfort.]

It'll take time.

Yeah.

[Raleigh really never imagined what the future would look like, because he's got no idea what he's supposed to do now. He just knows that being near Mako is soothing, that he doesn't have to think about it, he can just breathe her in and she's not pushing him away either-- that's a plus.]

I'm sorry about the Marshal.

[Another one of those lose little sounds, and she is going to just use his shirt as a muffler from now on. Because Mako Mori is not 10 years old and crying anymore, even though that's twice she's lost her parents.]

It was - what he wanted. To go in a Jaeger.

[She can use his shirt as a tissue too, if she wants. His arms tighten around for a moment, a reflex to the noise that she made. She can try to hide it all she wants in his shirt, he's still going to hear it because he is always going to hear her.]

Still. That doesn't make it hurt less for you.

[Don't try and tell him you're not grieving, Mako. Don't tell that lie to Raleigh, he knows what it's like to lose someone that means the whole world to you, who raised you and taught you everything you know.]

[There's one more pathetic little whimper left in her before she admits it to herself; yes, she's grieving already, and no, she won't be able to be strong about this forever. How is it possible for a person she's barely met to bring her this much comfort, she doesn't know. What she knows is that she can't even begin to think of letting him go.]

I keep thinking - if he knew he was going to die in there... what if he deliberately put his copilot in that situation, too?

[She might not have all the love in the world for Chuck Hansen, but the idea that the Marshal took them both out in a last attempt for glory.]

Honestly, Mako. [Raleigh hesitates because this is a touchy subject and he's not the best with his words. She raises a fair point but he can't help but remember the Marshal's words in Sitka. Where would you rather die, Mister Becket? Here? Or in a Jaeger?

In a Jaeger. Always. Hands down. But Raleigh knew exactly what was expected of him when he got on that helicopter.]

I'm not sure he really planned on any of us coming back from it.

[It's not her death, or the thought of it, that scares her in an unexpected way; it's his. She's been in his head long enough to have seen how little he'd wanted to be alive for five whole years, to know that he sure wants it now. And she would like him to. So the thought that he could've died too, after giving her his oxygen... it has her fingers digging into his shirt, tugging the fabric down.]

I'm not sure you did, either.

[She's got him there. Raleigh would have been fine giving his life to save hers, to end it with the kaiju once and for all. He had no idea if he was going to make it, once he gave her his oxygen and sent her back. Not a single fucking clue but it was what he had to do. He had to finish it, finish the mission, and she gets that, doesn't she?]

I'm sorry. But I had to do it.

You didn't. [She's going to stay there, with her face buried in the collar of his shirt, so he can't see the pain flickering across her eyes, where he won't be able to tell that it had hurt. Waking up in the middle of the ocean without him, with his voice in her head.

He'd almost made a Raleigh out of her.] Co-pilots go down together.

[That's just it. They don't always go down together, look at what happened to him and his brother. Look how Yancy was half a second away from telling him to get out, save himself and he's still not okay with that even at the same time he understands it completely.

Better that one of them survives than neither of them, right? Right? Not right, not right ever, Yancy Becket, you raging asshole.

Raleigh sighs against the top of her head, quiet, thinking, remorseful and stubborn at the same time.]

You weren't going to die if I had anything to do with it, Mako. [Because as terrible as making a Raleigh out of her would have been-- losing two co-pilots would have been too much for him. It would have wrecked him completely, and he's selfish and he wasn't going to go through that again.]

I'm not sorry about that. I won't ever be.

[See the unfair thing about Drifting is that she knows everything there is to know about him now and though he knows everything about her as well, she doesn't think Raleigh would pull the trick she does. But she's mad, she grows mad the more she thought of the wretching pain she'd felt those few seconds thinking he was gone, and while his heroicism might be considered romantic for anyone else, well -

It's meant to sting.] You were still in my head. [And she doesn't need to say anything else. She doesn't need to tell him how that would've ended for her, how she could've turned into him all over, how that pain he'd been through for years would've been hers.

Those six words say it all.]

[If she'd actually punched him, that might've hurt less. Raleigh exhales sharply, he doesn't have to try very hard to remember that morning on the beach in Alaska, stumbling around half alive and unable to feel his entire left side, yancy yancy yancy where are you yancy no yancy yancy yancy.

He didn't want to do that to her, not ever. He'd never wish something like that on anyone, no matter how much he hated them and he is pretty far from hating Mako at all.

She could've tuned into him, yeah sure but if he hadn't given her his oxygen, hadn't saved her, then she would've died. And that's not better. It's worse, it's so much worse and she has to at least get that.]

I won't say it. I'm not sorry. And it didn't happen, so it's fine.

[She remembers it from catching it in his memories "I've already had someone in my head, Marshal", and she'd thought then - Raleigh expected his second co-pilot to go down the same road as the first. And yes, that would've explained his desperation to keep her alive and get her up safe, because the flickerings of other (more) complicated emotions couldn't be true.

She regrets saying it the moment he flinches with that exhale, and curls her fingers into his shirt, pressing her forehead to his collarbone. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I twisted that knife.]

At a risk. I almost lost y- you almost died.

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im sorry about this

LIAR

I REALLY AM THOUGH