[Mako, how can you ask him why he keeps Jazmine a secret. After everything they've done together, after what they had to do to get out of his club, after what she's seen him do in the name of that club, and the enemies they've made now. He couldn't be there for Jaz like she deserved when Mom died because of basic training and all that shit, so he protects her like this.
Obviously he's done a good job with it, if Mako had no idea. And he's not really what that says about their relationship, that he could lie that well to her but. Whatever.]
You sure? I could bring something.
[Honestly though, he'd do whatever she'd want, just to make it up to her, just to try to earn her forgiveness even if he didn't deserve it, just to maybe, just maybe get a place back in her life.]
[ Of course she had to ask -- it hadn't appeared in his personnel files within the Marines either; or perhaps it had been a detail that had been removed, but still, let's move on. Mako doesn't like thinking about what they did, what she, or he had to do to keep the club thriving.
They say lies are never the foundation for a relationship, but then they're probably bullshitting anyway, so fuck them.
Mako shakes her head, briefly. He's trying hard, she thinks, she knows. He's been lonely and unhappy and he's trying so, so hard, and she wishes things would be simple between them again -- not that they ever were, when you come right down to it. ]
[He wants their kind of simple back too. The simple that's complicated and messy but the same kind that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what shit has gone down because they've got each other's backs.
Raleigh's gaze slides back to Eleanor after like a minute, he can't help it. Can't stop looking at he, wants to ask if he can hold her but he realizes that they're not there yet, that he doesn't have any right to ask that, and he'll wait. He will, as long as she wants.]
[ Raleigh doesn't ask, and Mako doesn't offer. He's right; they're not there yet, and Mako is not ready to take that step. Maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe months from now -- she doesn't know. But Raleigh's looking her like a father would his daughter, and her fingers tighten briefly on the handle of the stroller.
They'd talk, one day. Talk about all this, all the unfinished business between them; and she finds that she's waiting for it to come. ]
Yes. [ She doesn't want to hold him up for too long, and she nods, glancing behind him. ] I'll see you soon.
[Raleigh goes back to work and has no fucking clue what he does for the rest of the afternoon, walking around more in a daze than anything. He honestly spends the next twenty four hours in a total daze because Mako's here in Boston, Mako changed her mind about their baby, she kept and is raising their baby, and he hasn't even held her yet but he thinks a part of his heart went with little Eleanor in her stroller when he and Mako parted ways the day before.
He's running a little late to her apartment because he decided to pop home real quick after work and take a shower, and that took a little longer than he anticipated. But he figures it's better than showing up covered in dirt and sweat and sure, Mako's seen him in worse state but you know.
Trying to make an impression or something.
And fuck, he's so nervous as he reaches up to knock. So nervous that he's starting to shake just a little bit.]
[ Mako's heart skips a beat when she sees him at the door, cleaned up and handsome as the day he'd left her. She feels something twist in her heart when she sets eyes on him, when she picks up on her nervousness so easily because it's a thing they have with each other, a preternatural ability to sense what the other is feeling without so much words.
To be fair, she is nervous too; she'd spent an hour beating out the same rug over and over, nerves settling into a tight ball in her stomach. A simple beef stew is boiling on a stove, and she'd settled for a simple accompanying fare of steamed rice and vegetables. Easy enough to make, and she'd had to mash up some of the vegetables to mix into Eleanor's porridge anyway.
Her daughter is crawling happily on her colourful patch of numbers, knocking her toys around, firmly suckling on her pacifier; she only looks up briefly when Mako answers the door, quite oblivious to the fact that her father stood on the other end side of it.
Mako, however, feels a lump catch in her throat, and her gaze lingers on him before she pulls open the door further. He's late, but it doesn't matter; the important thing is that he's here. ] Come in. [ Her apartment is small, but cozy; she'd brought none of the things they bought when they'd lived together, and in the few photoframes were only the photographs she had of Eleanor. No Raleigh -- not when the memory of him still rings bittersweet and painful. ]
Sorry for the mess. Eleanor's in a very good mood today.
[Do babies make messes when they're in a good mood? He has no idea. And really, the last thing that Mako has to apologize to him for is a messy apartment, but he offers a shrug anyway matched with a light smile.]
[ Babies make messes in whatever mood they're in, Raleigh. She nods, and closes the door behind him, feeling something ease in her chest when he smiles.
Maybe this would be easier than she'd thought. ]
Take a seat. Dinner will be ready soon.
[ Meanwhile, Eleanor pauses again and watches them curiously while gnawing on one of her building blocks-- evidently, they rarely ever have guests in their home. Mako, however, deftly steps over and chides gently, lovingly, taking the block away from her, and cleaning her mouth with a handkerchief. ]
No, Ellie, you can't do that. [ She glances at Raleigh, after a moment. ] Would you mind looking after her for awhile?
He's too busy staring at that little girl again, that his brain doesn't catch up with what she says for a few seconds and does he mind watching her? No, he doesn't mind but he just-- has no idea what to do with a little kid. Besides stare at them like a stalker.
It's Mako so she'd probably be able to read that anxiety in the way his shoulder tighten but he nods anyway because he can learn can't he and maybe someday he wants to graduate to actually holding her.]
[ Mako wonders, briefly, whether it's fortunate or unfortunate that she could still read him like a book after so long. She knows the anxiety, notices that he acquiesces anyway. It's what she's loved about him, she notes -- that he doesn't let anything get the better of him, no matter what it is.
Eleanor's probably too young to know about stalkers, so she's going about minding her own business, and valiantly attempting to crawl after her mother, quite put out that she's leaving again. Mako deftly distracts Eleanor with her favourite toy giraffe; and she knows what it means, when she asks him to look after her -- that he's keeping a respectful distance because she wanted it. She fights down a twinge of guilt, because the two years had not been kind of either one of them. ]
...Thank you. [ She disappears into the kitchen, taking a few moments to breathe, to gather her thoughts before it scatters, and she's moving again, setting the table. Plates, forks, steaming dishes and two plates of white rice for the both of them. ]
[No the two years have pretty much sucked but it's happened now and there's nothing he can do about that. Nothing but try to make amends and he does that by sitting down on the floor near his daughter. Just watching her play for a few minutes, his heart growing three sizes inside his chest literally because it hurts. It just just looking at her and when she finally seems to realize that someone is there, when she turns to look at him with wide eyes and after a moment she offers him the little toy giraffe-- he thinks his chest might break open.]
... thank you. [Raleigh says quietly as he takes the offered toy because there's no way she knows what that means but oh God, okay apparently that means they're friends now because she's crawling over to him and climbing on his lap and why the fuck is she so cute.]
[ Mako doesn't take her away from him even if a part of her wants to -- the overprotective part, the part that had raised Eleanor on her own for nearly a year, when she had been alone for almost two. She pauses at the dining table, and something clenches tight in her chest because that's her baby girl --
-- and that's Raleigh's, too.
She forces herself to remember that, to smooth over half-finished resentments, to remember the look on his face when he'd seen Eleanor, when it clicks and he understands. Mako sets the table in silence, watches how he is towards her, before she finally goes towards them and picks her up. ]
...Dinner's ready. [ Her words are quiet; deliberately neutral but not unkind. ]
[He almost stops her, from plucking Eleanor out of his lap because he doesn't want that moment to end. He could sit there all night and watch her play, just watching her because he has no idea what to do with a baby and she seems to be doing alright on her own, taking turns at showing him all of her toys.
But he lets Mako grab her because he gets the message loud and clear still. She's still Mako's daughter and not his, not yet if ever. The most he did was get her pregnant, he hasn't done shit for her since and he's just-- so sorry about that and prays that it isn't too late.]
[ She remembers it had been one of his favourites -- beef stew with carrots and potatoes, and she'd somehow learned it along the way. There is a small pot of stew, fragrant and still steaming, together with a plate of stir fried vegetables and rice.
Eleanor clings to her happily before Mako puts her into her cot not too far away. Taking a seat at the dining table, she's quietly relieved that he doesn't protest, that he doesn't push. Raleigh, ever-considerate, the man so used to putting others above himself. ]
[Raleigh sits across from her and proceeds to push his food around his place. Her stew is still one of his favorite foods, and he hasn't had it in years and now that he's sitting there with it, he's not hungry at all. He's got zero appetite and he keeps sneaking looks over to the crib anyway so it wouldn't really matter what was in front of him if it wasn't his daughter.
They have to talk about it sometime, and he might just be pushing that conversation up.
Might be becomes definitely when he opens his mouth:] What are we going to do?
[ So he's just getting straight to it. Mako's not surprised -- Raleigh has never been one for beating around the bush, and he isn't about to start now, just because they haven't seen each other in two years.
She takes a bite of her food, quiet and thoughtful before she takes her time to respond, feeling a tightness coil in her stomach. Apparently, Raleigh's not the only one without the appetite. ]
I wondered sometimes, [ She says finally; and this is a way of answering the question, isn't it? What are they going to do, when the cracks run so deep? ] if you loved the baby I had inside me more than me.
[The noise he makes could almost be called a startled gaps except that he wouldn't call it that, so it's not. It's more of a sharp inhale and he nearly gives himself whiplash in how fast he looks away from the crib to look at her instead. She thought what? Oh fuck. Fuck and fuck, and he didn't even realize that until right now and maybe he should have because he was so mad at her for so long that he was pretty sure he hated her.
He didn't and he knows that now, knows that he's not good at distinguishing between hate and grief and that Yancy's always going to be a ghost in his life, hanging around the back of his head and he needs to get his shit together and actually do something about that.]
I thought I hated you. [He says, and it's so blunt and he doesn't even try to hide that because what's that going to solve. Nothing. Did he love their baby more than her? He doesn't-- know and it feels like asking if he loves Yancy more than her because can't he just love them both in different ways.]
And I didn't want to sit there and watch that eat us alive.
[ It's blunt, it's honest and if Mako had been any less of what she is, she would have flinched at the way it was delivered. But as it is, the two years had given her a lot of time to think about things, to pick through the mess they've mired herself in. She watches the surprise in his eyes, knows that he hadn't thought of it that way until she brought it up.
It's understandable, she thinks, to not to want to stick around to see what happens to their relationship, to watch it gut itself out and to endure the pain of watching it die before their eyes with no way back. And in a warped, twisted way, leaving had been the better option because then the deterioration is stopped in its tracks, leaving with it heartbreak, grief, resentment, and all other manner of feelings left unaddressed.
Mako knows, too, that she couldn't have expected him to know that she hadn't done it in the end. Hell, when she left the apartment, she didn't know she wouldn't have gone through with it.
But she needed him. She needed him and he wasn't there. Mako looks down at her plate, and something inside her twists -- painful and sharp, a wound that had never closed. ]
[By now, Raleigh has given up the pretense of even trying to eat, having put his spoon down and pushing the bowl back, away from him. He just watches her when she looks away from him and it feels like something in his chest twists too, because even though he doesn't have a clear shot at her face, he knows how hurt she is. Can just tell by looking at the top of her head and he caused that and fine, she hurt him too but that doesn't excuse what he did at the end of the day.]
What made you change your mind?
[He asks instead of addressing her comment because what is there to say. Obviously this was the alternative, whether it was the better choice or not, it should be pretty obvious that it wasn't.]
[ Ask her any question but this, Raleigh. Any other question but this one. They've hurt each other so deeply and she's never made a tally -- logically, she understands why he left, how deep the wounds were left on him, and she felt the back of her eyes stinging.
How he must have felt when she left, after his fervent pleas. How she must have wounded him. ]
You did. [ There is no accusation, only a profound sort of pain she'd thought she'd covered. She remembers that moment in the clinic when she sets the pill aside and apologises, when his words hit home and they're family, they're family, and Mori, what did you think you were doing? They could do it together, and she was sorry, she could never go through with it.
She remembers, too, the hopefulness that turned to devastation when she returned to an empty apartment, the place that was no longer a home because Raleigh took it with him when he left. ]
Raleigh puts a hand up, to cover his face because he doesn't trust himself to look at her right now, doesn't know what's going to happen if he does. He just-- needs a minute to think.
If he didn't already feel like his dad, he feels like it right now for sure and it hurts just as much as the mistake he made.]
[ It's an important question, it's something she'd fantasized about, once upon a time. Raleigh coming home, returning back to her at long last. But her hands clench to fists in her lap and as much as he doesn't look at her, she can't bring herself to, either.
Raleigh's the only person she'd ever loved -- the only one, she things, she would ever come to love as deeply as she does him, and here he is, wanting to come back after two years.
Yes, she wants to say. Yes, please come home.
But what she says is: ]
I don't know. [ And she really doesn't. It's exhausting, this conversation -- too layered, too painful, old hurts renewed and she hasn't the faintest idea what to do with it. ] Are you -- back for Eleanor, or for the both of us?
[He stares down at his food for a moment longer before he picks his head up and makes himself look at her, even if she's not looking at him. He shouldn't say this into his stew anyway.
Because he's not that heartless at the end of the day. Raleigh might try to convince himself that he can hold a grudge and that he is still hurt by her but when it comes down to it, if he's got to make the choice, it's not something he has to think about at all.
Mako's the only thing he's cared about since his brother died, she's the reason he was able to walk from the club, and he could care less about the prison time: she gave him a reason to want to and he made a mistake in leaving two years ago and he's got to try and fix that.]
[ Mako looks up after a beat, after his confession. He's missed her, and Raleigh's never been good at lying. Her hands are folded in her lap now, and with it comes a surreal sense of calm, and the knowledge that if she says anything in this moment, she's just going to start crying.
And so she takes a few deep, silent breaths, heart aching in the presence of something so vulnerable, so raw. Raleigh's always been someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, his heart, so easily bruised -- and she swallows, her gaze finding his. She musters the briefest of smiles, there and gone so quickly that it could have been a trick of the light. ]
I missed you, too. [ beat. ] I never thought I'd see you here.
[It's maybe more of a testament of how well he knows her, that he can sit there and wait for her to say something and not feel any panic. Because he knows that she's prone to silences, that she needs time to collect her thoughts sometimes and he'd pretty much wait forever for her if he had to.
When she speaks, he smiles back at her, the same kind of smile that's fleeting, blink and it's gone.]
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no subject
Obviously he's done a good job with it, if Mako had no idea. And he's not really what that says about their relationship, that he could lie that well to her but. Whatever.]
You sure? I could bring something.
[Honestly though, he'd do whatever she'd want, just to make it up to her, just to try to earn her forgiveness even if he didn't deserve it, just to maybe, just maybe get a place back in her life.]
no subject
They say lies are never the foundation for a relationship, but then they're probably bullshitting anyway, so fuck them.
Mako shakes her head, briefly. He's trying hard, she thinks, she knows. He's been lonely and unhappy and he's trying so, so hard, and she wishes things would be simple between them again -- not that they ever were, when you come right down to it. ]
It's fine. I could use the practice.
no subject
Raleigh's gaze slides back to Eleanor after like a minute, he can't help it. Can't stop looking at he, wants to ask if he can hold her but he realizes that they're not there yet, that he doesn't have any right to ask that, and he'll wait. He will, as long as she wants.]
Okay. I should probably get back to work now.
TIMESKIP NEXT TAG, MEL BB?
They'd talk, one day. Talk about all this, all the unfinished business between them; and she finds that she's waiting for it to come. ]
Yes. [ She doesn't want to hold him up for too long, and she nods, glancing behind him. ] I'll see you soon.
your wish is my command
He's running a little late to her apartment because he decided to pop home real quick after work and take a shower, and that took a little longer than he anticipated. But he figures it's better than showing up covered in dirt and sweat and sure, Mako's seen him in worse state but you know.
Trying to make an impression or something.
And fuck, he's so nervous as he reaches up to knock. So nervous that he's starting to shake just a little bit.]
bby ure perfect u///u
To be fair, she is nervous too; she'd spent an hour beating out the same rug over and over, nerves settling into a tight ball in her stomach. A simple beef stew is boiling on a stove, and she'd settled for a simple accompanying fare of steamed rice and vegetables. Easy enough to make, and she'd had to mash up some of the vegetables to mix into Eleanor's porridge anyway.
Her daughter is crawling happily on her colourful patch of numbers, knocking her toys around, firmly suckling on her pacifier; she only looks up briefly when Mako answers the door, quite oblivious to the fact that her father stood on the other end side of it.
Mako, however, feels a lump catch in her throat, and her gaze lingers on him before she pulls open the door further. He's late, but it doesn't matter; the important thing is that he's here. ] Come in. [ Her apartment is small, but cozy; she'd brought none of the things they bought when they'd lived together, and in the few photoframes were only the photographs she had of Eleanor. No Raleigh -- not when the memory of him still rings bittersweet and painful. ]
Sorry for the mess. Eleanor's in a very good mood today.
no you are
It's okay. Sorry I'm late.
NO U
[ Babies make messes in whatever mood they're in, Raleigh. She nods, and closes the door behind him, feeling something ease in her chest when he smiles.
Maybe this would be easier than she'd thought. ]
Take a seat. Dinner will be ready soon.
[ Meanwhile, Eleanor pauses again and watches them curiously while gnawing on one of her building blocks-- evidently, they rarely ever have guests in their home. Mako, however, deftly steps over and chides gently, lovingly, taking the block away from her, and cleaning her mouth with a handkerchief. ]
No, Ellie, you can't do that. [ She glances at Raleigh, after a moment. ] Would you mind looking after her for awhile?
no subject
He's too busy staring at that little girl again, that his brain doesn't catch up with what she says for a few seconds and does he mind watching her? No, he doesn't mind but he just-- has no idea what to do with a little kid. Besides stare at them like a stalker.
It's Mako so she'd probably be able to read that anxiety in the way his shoulder tighten but he nods anyway because he can learn can't he and maybe someday he wants to graduate to actually holding her.]
Yeah, I think we'll be okay.
no subject
Eleanor's probably too young to know about stalkers, so she's going about minding her own business, and valiantly attempting to crawl after her mother, quite put out that she's leaving again. Mako deftly distracts Eleanor with her favourite toy giraffe; and she knows what it means, when she asks him to look after her -- that he's keeping a respectful distance because she wanted it. She fights down a twinge of guilt, because the two years had not been kind of either one of them. ]
...Thank you. [ She disappears into the kitchen, taking a few moments to breathe, to gather her thoughts before it scatters, and she's moving again, setting the table. Plates, forks, steaming dishes and two plates of white rice for the both of them. ]
cry motherfucker
... thank you. [Raleigh says quietly as he takes the offered toy because there's no way she knows what that means but oh God, okay apparently that means they're friends now because she's crawling over to him and climbing on his lap and why the fuck is she so cute.]
NEVER
-- and that's Raleigh's, too.
She forces herself to remember that, to smooth over half-finished resentments, to remember the look on his face when he'd seen Eleanor, when it clicks and he understands. Mako sets the table in silence, watches how he is towards her, before she finally goes towards them and picks her up. ]
...Dinner's ready. [ Her words are quiet; deliberately neutral but not unkind. ]
maybe i was talking to raleigh you dont know
But he lets Mako grab her because he gets the message loud and clear still. She's still Mako's daughter and not his, not yet if ever. The most he did was get her pregnant, he hasn't done shit for her since and he's just-- so sorry about that and prays that it isn't too late.]
What'd you make?
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM
[ She remembers it had been one of his favourites -- beef stew with carrots and potatoes, and she'd somehow learned it along the way. There is a small pot of stew, fragrant and still steaming, together with a plate of stir fried vegetables and rice.
Eleanor clings to her happily before Mako puts her into her cot not too far away. Taking a seat at the dining table, she's quietly relieved that he doesn't protest, that he doesn't push. Raleigh, ever-considerate, the man so used to putting others above himself. ]
BECAUSE I DO THAT SOMETIMES DONT BE A HATER
[Raleigh sits across from her and proceeds to push his food around his place. Her stew is still one of his favorite foods, and he hasn't had it in years and now that he's sitting there with it, he's not hungry at all. He's got zero appetite and he keeps sneaking looks over to the crib anyway so it wouldn't really matter what was in front of him if it wasn't his daughter.
They have to talk about it sometime, and he might just be pushing that conversation up.
Might be becomes definitely when he opens his mouth:] What are we going to do?
NO I LOVE YOU ANYWAY IT'S ADORABLE
She takes a bite of her food, quiet and thoughtful before she takes her time to respond, feeling a tightness coil in her stomach. Apparently, Raleigh's not the only one without the appetite. ]
I wondered sometimes, [ She says finally; and this is a way of answering the question, isn't it? What are they going to do, when the cracks run so deep? ] if you loved the baby I had inside me more than me.
akjsdfa
He didn't and he knows that now, knows that he's not good at distinguishing between hate and grief and that Yancy's always going to be a ghost in his life, hanging around the back of his head and he needs to get his shit together and actually do something about that.]
I thought I hated you. [He says, and it's so blunt and he doesn't even try to hide that because what's that going to solve. Nothing. Did he love their baby more than her? He doesn't-- know and it feels like asking if he loves Yancy more than her because can't he just love them both in different ways.]
And I didn't want to sit there and watch that eat us alive.
sobs
It's understandable, she thinks, to not to want to stick around to see what happens to their relationship, to watch it gut itself out and to endure the pain of watching it die before their eyes with no way back. And in a warped, twisted way, leaving had been the better option because then the deterioration is stopped in its tracks, leaving with it heartbreak, grief, resentment, and all other manner of feelings left unaddressed.
Mako knows, too, that she couldn't have expected him to know that she hadn't done it in the end. Hell, when she left the apartment, she didn't know she wouldn't have gone through with it.
But she needed him. She needed him and he wasn't there. Mako looks down at her plate, and something inside her twists -- painful and sharp, a wound that had never closed. ]
And this was the alternative.
big stupid babies
What made you change your mind?
[He asks instead of addressing her comment because what is there to say. Obviously this was the alternative, whether it was the better choice or not, it should be pretty obvious that it wasn't.]
kajshdkasjh GIANT STUPID BABIES no
How he must have felt when she left, after his fervent pleas. How she must have wounded him. ]
You did. [ There is no accusation, only a profound sort of pain she'd thought she'd covered. She remembers that moment in the clinic when she sets the pill aside and apologises, when his words hit home and they're family, they're family, and Mori, what did you think you were doing? They could do it together, and she was sorry, she could never go through with it.
She remembers, too, the hopefulness that turned to devastation when she returned to an empty apartment, the place that was no longer a home because Raleigh took it with him when he left. ]
...You were all I thought about.
can they kiss and make up now :c
Raleigh puts a hand up, to cover his face because he doesn't trust himself to look at her right now, doesn't know what's going to happen if he does. He just-- needs a minute to think.
If he didn't already feel like his dad, he feels like it right now for sure and it hurts just as much as the mistake he made.]
Mako. I-- will you let me come back?
:< very soon
Raleigh's the only person she'd ever loved -- the only one, she things, she would ever come to love as deeply as she does him, and here he is, wanting to come back after two years.
Yes, she wants to say. Yes, please come home.
But what she says is: ]
I don't know. [ And she really doesn't. It's exhausting, this conversation -- too layered, too painful, old hurts renewed and she hasn't the faintest idea what to do with it. ] Are you -- back for Eleanor, or for the both of us?
aksbdfka now :c
Because he's not that heartless at the end of the day. Raleigh might try to convince himself that he can hold a grudge and that he is still hurt by her but when it comes down to it, if he's got to make the choice, it's not something he has to think about at all.
Mako's the only thing he's cared about since his brother died, she's the reason he was able to walk from the club, and he could care less about the prison time: she gave him a reason to want to and he made a mistake in leaving two years ago and he's got to try and fix that.]
I've missed you so much.
shhh baby enjoy the ride c:
And so she takes a few deep, silent breaths, heart aching in the presence of something so vulnerable, so raw. Raleigh's always been someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, his heart, so easily bruised -- and she swallows, her gaze finding his. She musters the briefest of smiles, there and gone so quickly that it could have been a trick of the light. ]
I missed you, too. [ beat. ] I never thought I'd see you here.
this ride hurts i want off
When she speaks, he smiles back at her, the same kind of smile that's fleeting, blink and it's gone.]
Maybe it's fate.
too late you're strapped in
c r i e s
DON'T CRY