[ She remembers it had been one of his favourites -- beef stew with carrots and potatoes, and she'd somehow learned it along the way. There is a small pot of stew, fragrant and still steaming, together with a plate of stir fried vegetables and rice.
Eleanor clings to her happily before Mako puts her into her cot not too far away. Taking a seat at the dining table, she's quietly relieved that he doesn't protest, that he doesn't push. Raleigh, ever-considerate, the man so used to putting others above himself. ]
[Raleigh sits across from her and proceeds to push his food around his place. Her stew is still one of his favorite foods, and he hasn't had it in years and now that he's sitting there with it, he's not hungry at all. He's got zero appetite and he keeps sneaking looks over to the crib anyway so it wouldn't really matter what was in front of him if it wasn't his daughter.
They have to talk about it sometime, and he might just be pushing that conversation up.
Might be becomes definitely when he opens his mouth:] What are we going to do?
[ So he's just getting straight to it. Mako's not surprised -- Raleigh has never been one for beating around the bush, and he isn't about to start now, just because they haven't seen each other in two years.
She takes a bite of her food, quiet and thoughtful before she takes her time to respond, feeling a tightness coil in her stomach. Apparently, Raleigh's not the only one without the appetite. ]
I wondered sometimes, [ She says finally; and this is a way of answering the question, isn't it? What are they going to do, when the cracks run so deep? ] if you loved the baby I had inside me more than me.
[The noise he makes could almost be called a startled gaps except that he wouldn't call it that, so it's not. It's more of a sharp inhale and he nearly gives himself whiplash in how fast he looks away from the crib to look at her instead. She thought what? Oh fuck. Fuck and fuck, and he didn't even realize that until right now and maybe he should have because he was so mad at her for so long that he was pretty sure he hated her.
He didn't and he knows that now, knows that he's not good at distinguishing between hate and grief and that Yancy's always going to be a ghost in his life, hanging around the back of his head and he needs to get his shit together and actually do something about that.]
I thought I hated you. [He says, and it's so blunt and he doesn't even try to hide that because what's that going to solve. Nothing. Did he love their baby more than her? He doesn't-- know and it feels like asking if he loves Yancy more than her because can't he just love them both in different ways.]
And I didn't want to sit there and watch that eat us alive.
[ It's blunt, it's honest and if Mako had been any less of what she is, she would have flinched at the way it was delivered. But as it is, the two years had given her a lot of time to think about things, to pick through the mess they've mired herself in. She watches the surprise in his eyes, knows that he hadn't thought of it that way until she brought it up.
It's understandable, she thinks, to not to want to stick around to see what happens to their relationship, to watch it gut itself out and to endure the pain of watching it die before their eyes with no way back. And in a warped, twisted way, leaving had been the better option because then the deterioration is stopped in its tracks, leaving with it heartbreak, grief, resentment, and all other manner of feelings left unaddressed.
Mako knows, too, that she couldn't have expected him to know that she hadn't done it in the end. Hell, when she left the apartment, she didn't know she wouldn't have gone through with it.
But she needed him. She needed him and he wasn't there. Mako looks down at her plate, and something inside her twists -- painful and sharp, a wound that had never closed. ]
[By now, Raleigh has given up the pretense of even trying to eat, having put his spoon down and pushing the bowl back, away from him. He just watches her when she looks away from him and it feels like something in his chest twists too, because even though he doesn't have a clear shot at her face, he knows how hurt she is. Can just tell by looking at the top of her head and he caused that and fine, she hurt him too but that doesn't excuse what he did at the end of the day.]
What made you change your mind?
[He asks instead of addressing her comment because what is there to say. Obviously this was the alternative, whether it was the better choice or not, it should be pretty obvious that it wasn't.]
[ Ask her any question but this, Raleigh. Any other question but this one. They've hurt each other so deeply and she's never made a tally -- logically, she understands why he left, how deep the wounds were left on him, and she felt the back of her eyes stinging.
How he must have felt when she left, after his fervent pleas. How she must have wounded him. ]
You did. [ There is no accusation, only a profound sort of pain she'd thought she'd covered. She remembers that moment in the clinic when she sets the pill aside and apologises, when his words hit home and they're family, they're family, and Mori, what did you think you were doing? They could do it together, and she was sorry, she could never go through with it.
She remembers, too, the hopefulness that turned to devastation when she returned to an empty apartment, the place that was no longer a home because Raleigh took it with him when he left. ]
Raleigh puts a hand up, to cover his face because he doesn't trust himself to look at her right now, doesn't know what's going to happen if he does. He just-- needs a minute to think.
If he didn't already feel like his dad, he feels like it right now for sure and it hurts just as much as the mistake he made.]
[ It's an important question, it's something she'd fantasized about, once upon a time. Raleigh coming home, returning back to her at long last. But her hands clench to fists in her lap and as much as he doesn't look at her, she can't bring herself to, either.
Raleigh's the only person she'd ever loved -- the only one, she things, she would ever come to love as deeply as she does him, and here he is, wanting to come back after two years.
Yes, she wants to say. Yes, please come home.
But what she says is: ]
I don't know. [ And she really doesn't. It's exhausting, this conversation -- too layered, too painful, old hurts renewed and she hasn't the faintest idea what to do with it. ] Are you -- back for Eleanor, or for the both of us?
[He stares down at his food for a moment longer before he picks his head up and makes himself look at her, even if she's not looking at him. He shouldn't say this into his stew anyway.
Because he's not that heartless at the end of the day. Raleigh might try to convince himself that he can hold a grudge and that he is still hurt by her but when it comes down to it, if he's got to make the choice, it's not something he has to think about at all.
Mako's the only thing he's cared about since his brother died, she's the reason he was able to walk from the club, and he could care less about the prison time: she gave him a reason to want to and he made a mistake in leaving two years ago and he's got to try and fix that.]
[ Mako looks up after a beat, after his confession. He's missed her, and Raleigh's never been good at lying. Her hands are folded in her lap now, and with it comes a surreal sense of calm, and the knowledge that if she says anything in this moment, she's just going to start crying.
And so she takes a few deep, silent breaths, heart aching in the presence of something so vulnerable, so raw. Raleigh's always been someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, his heart, so easily bruised -- and she swallows, her gaze finding his. She musters the briefest of smiles, there and gone so quickly that it could have been a trick of the light. ]
I missed you, too. [ beat. ] I never thought I'd see you here.
[It's maybe more of a testament of how well he knows her, that he can sit there and wait for her to say something and not feel any panic. Because he knows that she's prone to silences, that she needs time to collect her thoughts sometimes and he'd pretty much wait forever for her if he had to.
When she speaks, he smiles back at her, the same kind of smile that's fleeting, blink and it's gone.]
[ That's the cheesiest line she's ever heard in her entire life and it's so Raleigh that she cannot help but laugh, once -- and something loosens, just a little bit, in her chest.
They're still looking at the pieces of all there once was between them, but at least now, there's a little flicker of hope. ]
[ Not too far away from them, however, Eleanor starts to fuss, and Mako is already rising to her seat, moving towards her. ]
Eat. [ She tells him as she passes him. ] You haven't touched your food.
[ Hefting Eleanor from her cot before she can graduate to full-grown crying, she carries her back to the dining table, mildly apologetic. ] She's developed a bit of a separation anxiety habit.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HIM
[ She remembers it had been one of his favourites -- beef stew with carrots and potatoes, and she'd somehow learned it along the way. There is a small pot of stew, fragrant and still steaming, together with a plate of stir fried vegetables and rice.
Eleanor clings to her happily before Mako puts her into her cot not too far away. Taking a seat at the dining table, she's quietly relieved that he doesn't protest, that he doesn't push. Raleigh, ever-considerate, the man so used to putting others above himself. ]
BECAUSE I DO THAT SOMETIMES DONT BE A HATER
[Raleigh sits across from her and proceeds to push his food around his place. Her stew is still one of his favorite foods, and he hasn't had it in years and now that he's sitting there with it, he's not hungry at all. He's got zero appetite and he keeps sneaking looks over to the crib anyway so it wouldn't really matter what was in front of him if it wasn't his daughter.
They have to talk about it sometime, and he might just be pushing that conversation up.
Might be becomes definitely when he opens his mouth:] What are we going to do?
NO I LOVE YOU ANYWAY IT'S ADORABLE
She takes a bite of her food, quiet and thoughtful before she takes her time to respond, feeling a tightness coil in her stomach. Apparently, Raleigh's not the only one without the appetite. ]
I wondered sometimes, [ She says finally; and this is a way of answering the question, isn't it? What are they going to do, when the cracks run so deep? ] if you loved the baby I had inside me more than me.
akjsdfa
He didn't and he knows that now, knows that he's not good at distinguishing between hate and grief and that Yancy's always going to be a ghost in his life, hanging around the back of his head and he needs to get his shit together and actually do something about that.]
I thought I hated you. [He says, and it's so blunt and he doesn't even try to hide that because what's that going to solve. Nothing. Did he love their baby more than her? He doesn't-- know and it feels like asking if he loves Yancy more than her because can't he just love them both in different ways.]
And I didn't want to sit there and watch that eat us alive.
sobs
It's understandable, she thinks, to not to want to stick around to see what happens to their relationship, to watch it gut itself out and to endure the pain of watching it die before their eyes with no way back. And in a warped, twisted way, leaving had been the better option because then the deterioration is stopped in its tracks, leaving with it heartbreak, grief, resentment, and all other manner of feelings left unaddressed.
Mako knows, too, that she couldn't have expected him to know that she hadn't done it in the end. Hell, when she left the apartment, she didn't know she wouldn't have gone through with it.
But she needed him. She needed him and he wasn't there. Mako looks down at her plate, and something inside her twists -- painful and sharp, a wound that had never closed. ]
And this was the alternative.
big stupid babies
What made you change your mind?
[He asks instead of addressing her comment because what is there to say. Obviously this was the alternative, whether it was the better choice or not, it should be pretty obvious that it wasn't.]
kajshdkasjh GIANT STUPID BABIES no
How he must have felt when she left, after his fervent pleas. How she must have wounded him. ]
You did. [ There is no accusation, only a profound sort of pain she'd thought she'd covered. She remembers that moment in the clinic when she sets the pill aside and apologises, when his words hit home and they're family, they're family, and Mori, what did you think you were doing? They could do it together, and she was sorry, she could never go through with it.
She remembers, too, the hopefulness that turned to devastation when she returned to an empty apartment, the place that was no longer a home because Raleigh took it with him when he left. ]
...You were all I thought about.
can they kiss and make up now :c
Raleigh puts a hand up, to cover his face because he doesn't trust himself to look at her right now, doesn't know what's going to happen if he does. He just-- needs a minute to think.
If he didn't already feel like his dad, he feels like it right now for sure and it hurts just as much as the mistake he made.]
Mako. I-- will you let me come back?
:< very soon
Raleigh's the only person she'd ever loved -- the only one, she things, she would ever come to love as deeply as she does him, and here he is, wanting to come back after two years.
Yes, she wants to say. Yes, please come home.
But what she says is: ]
I don't know. [ And she really doesn't. It's exhausting, this conversation -- too layered, too painful, old hurts renewed and she hasn't the faintest idea what to do with it. ] Are you -- back for Eleanor, or for the both of us?
aksbdfka now :c
Because he's not that heartless at the end of the day. Raleigh might try to convince himself that he can hold a grudge and that he is still hurt by her but when it comes down to it, if he's got to make the choice, it's not something he has to think about at all.
Mako's the only thing he's cared about since his brother died, she's the reason he was able to walk from the club, and he could care less about the prison time: she gave him a reason to want to and he made a mistake in leaving two years ago and he's got to try and fix that.]
I've missed you so much.
shhh baby enjoy the ride c:
And so she takes a few deep, silent breaths, heart aching in the presence of something so vulnerable, so raw. Raleigh's always been someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, his heart, so easily bruised -- and she swallows, her gaze finding his. She musters the briefest of smiles, there and gone so quickly that it could have been a trick of the light. ]
I missed you, too. [ beat. ] I never thought I'd see you here.
this ride hurts i want off
When she speaks, he smiles back at her, the same kind of smile that's fleeting, blink and it's gone.]
Maybe it's fate.
too late you're strapped in
They're still looking at the pieces of all there once was between them, but at least now, there's a little flicker of hope. ]
We'll sort this out, won't we?
c r i e s
Yeah. Course we will.
DON'T CRY
Eat. [ She tells him as she passes him. ] You haven't touched your food.
[ Hefting Eleanor from her cot before she can graduate to full-grown crying, she carries her back to the dining table, mildly apologetic. ] She's developed a bit of a separation anxiety habit.